10 posts tagged “humour”
I know I've posted a link to this site before, but I was just checking in on it for the first time in a while and there appears to be new stuff. Of course, the old stuff is still pretty freaking funny, too.
We all love to peruse Craigslist. Well, some of us do. And now we post about it because we're (okay I'm) bored. Here are a few from Best of Craigslist:
Dear Cat,
Date: 2008-03-24, 12:02PM CDT
Dear Cat,
I have some issues with you right now that I would like to hash out. And now is as good a time as any with you laying over my arms while I am trying to type on the computer. You don't even look comfortable and you can't breathe lying like that with your butt higher up than your head but your brain is the size of a walnut so I will forgive you.
First of all, the litterbox. Is it your goal to poop on the rim of the box? Because if it is, bravo! Mission accomplished, you can stop now. You have proved your point. It is not funny anymore, and I have run out of sticks in the yard to clean it off with. The box is big enough, and you are still small, so don't even go there.
Now... making pointless, incessant noises. If I take something away from you because I am tired of hearing it scoot across the floor for the last 2 hours, it does not mean to go find something else to mess with. I mean really where do you find this stuff? A wad of paper? A bottle cap? Is that really that fun to play with?
I put things on the coffee table because I want them there. I do not want you to knock EVERYTHING off of the coffee table in one of your mindless "tearing ass through the house for no reason" adventures every single day. Once in a while, it is amusing. Every day, it's not that funny.
Your ass stinks. I mean REALLY stinks. Like the worst poop you've ever smelled. Why do you smell soooo horrible? I thought cats were clean! I have never experienced this smelly, stinky cat phenomena with any other cat on this Earth. Why, God, did you give me the most stinky cat in this solar system? And Cat, why do you insist on showing me your ass? I know it stinks, but what am I supposed to do about it? Bathe you??? LOL! Remember the last time that happened? I still have the scars... Also, when you sit on my arm, please have the kindness to put your tail over your butthole so it doesn't come into contact with my skin. I might catch something.
Lastly, I am allergic to you. I know this isn't your fault, but knowing this, why do you insist on rubbing the whole length of your body on my face? Okay... I just pulled a CATHAIR out of my eye. No wonder my eyes are itchy if you are purposefully depositing your dander into my eyes! What are you trying to prove here? That you know I'm stuck with you? While you're busy carrying things about the house in your mouth to deposit them into some area that I haven't discovered yet- would you mind bringing me a peice of sandpaper to me so that I can alleviate the itching you've caused me? Oh- while we're on this subject, I need my hair ties back- I know you have them. Thanks.
Free Man's Toupee
Date: 2008-02-13, 4:54PM EST
Only worn twice. From The House of Frank. Real human hair. Brownish blonde with a sprinkling of gray highlights. One size fits all. Can be trimmed to suit taste. Wash in washing machine, gentle cycle. No bleach. Looking for new owner because neighborhood dogs growl at me when I wear toupee. Also squirrels chase me down the street. Maybe you will have better luck. email for p/u.
And finally, a few excerpts (the whole ad is looooooooong) from "just fucking fuck me, already", where a woman gives some hints to the men of Craigslist:
2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.
3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.
5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.
6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.
from the folks at despair, inc., presenting bittersweets
been a long time since I've referenced t-shirt hell - man, I love this stuff - and from their latest newsletter:
Christmas is the perfect holiday. It offers Christians and secularists
(they worship Secular Jesus) the opportunity to put their respective
beliefs aside and come together in the name of materialism. But while
both groups agree that buying overpriced products made by Asian
children is the perfect way to celebrate, they disagree over which
lovable character should receive the props. 
We all know that Jesus and Santa existed and that both were the product of God fucking a 13-year-old, but which one better embodies the Spirit of Christmas (Copyright - 1982)? Is it Santa with his good cheer and giving nature? Or is it Jesus with his flowing hair and screams of "Shit, my fucking hands!"?
I say "Why not both?" Rather than quibble over something as trivial as who you have to accept as your personal savior in order to spend eternity in heaven, just accept everything as your savior to cover all your bases. Jesus? Sure. Santa? Sounds great. Wesley Snipes' taint? Why not? It is in this spirit which I have written the following letter to Santa and Jesus. Merry [name of holiday here], everybody!
Dear [Santa/Jesus],
I have been a very good [boy/girl/religious fanatic] this year. I [did my chores/felt guilty about doing something pleasurable] every day. I also remembered to [brush my teeth/pass judgment on a homosexual] every night. And I did really good in [school/church] too. My [teacher/priest] said that I [was a very good student/did a good job of keeping my mouth shut].
Since I have been so good,
I would like [a new bike/something to hit Jews with]. But I don't just
want something for myself. [My mom/The lady who says it's blasphemy
when I smile] is very sick with [cancer/the blessing of faulty cells
that you gave her]. Please help her [get well/realize that treatment
may be more effective than prayer]. 
[My friends/Science] said you aren't real, but I don't believe it because [I saw you at the mall/the lie keeps me happy]. Thanks for reading this. I'll remember to leave out [some cookies and milk/a dead virgin and the head of a heretic] for you.
[Gullibly/Just as gullibly] yours,
Naive [Child/Adult]
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee i'z famoose!!!
there should be a total of twelve done by me over the next week and a half
good commercials - I believe there are more than two in the series, but for now, only these two are on youtube:
well, it might, but that's not the case this time - I've just been (and continue to be) sick again
happened upon this at lunch today:
friggin' vox won't find these vids for me, dammit, so here's the first link, and here's the related one that it brought to mind (second vid is a clip from the Royal Canadian Air Farce)
and while I'm cussing out vox, why does the font colour always work when I post from the office, but at home I have to delete the post and re-enter it, because even editing won't fix it?
I feel like swearing today - bodes well for a puppy rant later on, or something
I know a couple of people asked about the cocktail (heehee) party, but I'll try to keep the cussing out of that post, when I get around to writing it
