further proof that I will never understand my father

I'm sure I've mentioned before that my father is not exactly my favourite person around, nor are my sister and I very close to him. I hear from him rarely, although he often chastises us for not keeping in touch with him. My most recent contact with him was when I sent him a picasa link so he could look at the photos I took when I went to the Dominican in March. His only real comment on the pics was to ask if I'd been planning the trip for a long time. In Dadspeak, that meant "You went on a trip without telling me?". He said we'd discuss it more the next time he called. I'm still waiting.

Today I received an email from him. It's a forward (of course - heaven forbid it be a real email) that he thought I would enjoy (although the email was sent to one other person, he only addressed me in the body of it). I've seen it before, as I'm sure you all have, but I'm posting it just to show you all how thoughtful my father is. I should also add two things: (1) his wife doesn't like it when I curse, and (2) I may bluster and go on, but I would never speak to people like this in a real life situation, unless I knew them really, really well.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
  

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources